Often the pains of rejection run so deeply that they only surface once we revel on the question ‘what happened to my life?’ Upon hearing wise words from Dr. Charles Stanley something in me began to shift and become aware. Even in the presence of My Creator and Universal Father I have condemned my actions and self for the majority of my life. However to every feeling every action there is a source.

Rejection has become part of the human condition. A condition that goes undetected until we are confronted with the source. In my life it has manifested in this way: My earliest memories of my Father consist of two events 1. I was challenged on the monkey bars in kindergarten. Another child believed I could not walk across the top of them. They were right, I fell off. My mother was away at work while I was in my Fathers care at the time. Two days passed where I could not move my arm and screamed in pain at the touch of it, before my father called my mother to come home and deal with the situation. 2. I wanted to do something nice for my parents…Mop the kitchen floor. I proceeded to use dish soap to do so, resulting in a mass of soap suds encompassing the kitchen. This is one of my first memories of my father and the first time I remember being yelled at.

My parents divorced by the time I was 10. About a year after that my Grandmother died, who had been crucial in my life. My mother needed to tend to funeral arrangements.  I called my Father to come be with my brother and I through this time. He was unable. I do not mention these things in anger or any type of condemnation towards my Father, but only to bring to light a source of early deeply seated rejection in my life. A rejection which I believe whole hardheartedly he never meant to place within me.

Rejection holds an ugly face and often surfaces through the ones we Love and crave love from. My relationship with my father through my teen years was minimum at best.

Here’s the manifestation of this deep rooted pain that I chose not to acknowledge or deal with. By 14 I began drinking and using recreational drugs. At 17 I gave my purity to a man who also rejected me choosing cocaine over my affections. I went on to college with a full scholarship which I squandered, choosing to drink and participate in numerous relations with men, in which I felt some sense of ‘control’, clearly I was mistaken. I left my full scholarship a year and a half into college and moved to west palm where I began to bar-tend and use Oxycontin, feeding and numbing my own insecurities. My relations with men continued, with intermediate relationships in between. Within these relationships I pushed away three men in particular who showed me unconditional love. The bondage of rejection had become so deep at this point that I could not accept real love from anyone, especially men. I did not Love or accept who I was. There were two other men who I ‘Loved’ deeply…In both relationships I felt the same pains of rejection continually, but could not recognize them as that. These relationships seemed normal to me. I continued to use Oxycontin and other various substances for 8 years.

In my most recent relationship I was given a Beautiful Son. His father is not currently involved with our lives. I used to think my drug use was the source of my problem. In sobriety I now see it was a symptom. As I had not yet dealt with early, deep seated pains of rejection. I began to see these feeling re-surface, feeling as though my sons father had abandoned us for his own needs. As well as feeling the same pains with My father seemingly not wanting a relationship with his Grandson.

Again I say these things not placing blame, but becoming aware, and painting a picture of the results of not facing the truths within. The Truth is these people never meant to hurt me. My sexual and drug use was a result of me not finding my own self worth and instead placing it with the opinions of others. 

I am a Child of the creator
I am alive for a purpose
I am beautiful
I am caring
I have the ability to create
I have the capacity to Love and be Loved

And I don’t need another person to make these things manifest through me, the spirit within me will cause these things to manifest.

My story may be individual to me. But we are all suffering. My prayer is that these deep seated issues of the soul are brought to the surface so that we might move forward and have Life without Bondage of the past.

I’ve been kept silent in wreckage for far too long. With the chains of intimidation. Removing fear of rejection I break Free, Speak out, and Stand Tall.