The clouds appear to move so quickly, that if I look up at them, even for a moment, I feel I could loose my balance. I know that I am safe during the stillness of the night, protected under the light of the moon…
Video taken @ 11:58 PM 1/9/20 in North Florida)
https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/01/9162057/full-moon-lunar-eclipse-cancer-january-2020-effects
Growing up I was easily distracted and effected by my emotions. I felt like I had originally hailed from some other world or place where I had done something to deserve punishment. I was sure my punishment was being sent here, to this life, totally consumed and enslaved by my thoughts and feelings. Human interactions that came natural to others seems a source of confusion and pure agony for me.
I cared more about how other people viewed me than developing my own authentic self. To say I was a people pleaser is an understatement. I was terrified of disapproval and hoped everyone would like me and always say nice things about me. I learned how to fit in to any type of social circle, sometimes even making up fictitious stories hoping that I would be well received by others.
I was vain. Although, it didn’t matter how attractive I actually was because my insecurities ran so deep that no human power of approval could console me. Because I was incapable of emotional intimacy I confused intimacy with sexuality. I became promiscuous, which only heightened my feelings of anxiety and degradation.
I was very intelligent but unable to form or follow through with any long-term goals. I lacked self-esteem and perseverance. I walked through the motions of life but believed everyone else was more deserving and was capable than me.
Intuitively I always knew there was some life force at work greater than me. I leaned towards the idea of a collective consciousness. I experienced brief moments of synchronicity; moments where I experienced that notion that everything happens for a reason and that my life was a valuable and important part of the collective. Those times were short lived, and I always regressed back into my insecurities. I felt as though, that continuous and lasting connection with the life force of the universe was just out of my reach. I couldn’t determine if this was because I was undeserving or because I didn’t know how to make the connection. Either way I was left feeling rejected, inadequate, afraid and uninspired.
I started using drugs and alcohol when I was thirteen. Truthfully though, I couldn’t wait to use my first drug. I was desperate for something that would alleviate my constant anxiety and feelings of suffering. For a while, years even, the drugs and alcohol offered me some relief. The enabled me to tune out my nagging fear, anxiety and social discomfort. Naïve to my already bazaar using habits, I believed I was using socially, the way my peers did. I hadn’t realized yet that ultimately, I was trying to fill the God sized void.
I completed high school with honors. I left for collage with a full academic scholarship only to drop out within the first year, move to West Palm Beach Florida, and become a bartender. By this time my drug use had progressed, and it was necessary to adjust my lifestyle so that using didn’t appear abnormal to those around me.
I had no goals, no future, no purpose. I was involved in multiple abusive relationships, physically, emotionally , financially, and sexually. Not all of my relationships were terrible. I never lasted long with the “nice guys” though. I always convinced myself I had become bored with them. Really, I didn’t believe yet that I deserved to be treated kindly or with respect. Those “nice guys” couldn’t complete with my lack of self-worth. I didn’t want someone to fix me, I wanted someone who understood my suffering and could experience it with me.
Eventually I became pregnant. I had never planned to have a child, However, something in me knew that this life had been granted by some life force greater than me, I may have even been calling that power God. By this time, I was a daily narcotics user. I lacked the capacity to honestly consider anyone’s needs other than my own. I had no prior experience with babies or children, but I felt compelled to follow through with this pregnancy. Fortunately my son was born without any drugs or alcohol in his system, but I was using again within two months of his birth.
I had grown incapable of living life without the use of some type of drug or alcohol. I didn’t differentiate between street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs. The drug itself didn’t matter so much as the emotional relief I was trying to give myself through their use. I believed they enhanced my performance in life. The birth of my son forced me to become painfully aware of the dangers of my drug dependence. I found that my fears alone did not provide me with the will to quit. I could not stop using drugs or alcohol through any power of my own.
Since I had become aware of the consequences of my drug use, and realized that I could not stop using with ease, I grew determined to find a way to change my life. I tried multiple times to just not use drugs or alcohol using my own power of will, only to return to using. I tried not using specific drugs or to limit my using to certain days or times, and always, eventually lost control. I tried studying different scientific, approaches and ideas, metaphysic, quantum physics, and many different spiritual practices. I investigated different religious ideas and even chose to get “saved” at one point. I tried seeing a psychiatrist and dealing with my problems medically. I moved to different houses with different people, changed jobs and changed boyfriends. No matter what I tried tot maneuver, I could not stop using. I didn’t know how to live as a responsible adult or caregiver. I felt embarrassed, abandoned and totally defeated. I couldn’t imagine living with my guilt, and feelings of inadequacy without some type of substance to anesthetize my chronic emotional discomfort.
I hated that I couldn’t just stop and live the way I saw other people living. It didn’t make any sense to me that while knowing the negative consequences of my drug use I couldn’t just change the way I was living, I couldn’t just stop. From the depths of my defeat and self-hatred I hoped and prayed that God, whatever that meant, would just take my free will and force me to make good decisions for my life and for my son. I believed that I had lost the ability to make any good or rational choices for myself.
At this point, I met a guy. I was bartending, he was drinking at my bar and we struck up a conversation. He told me that he was recovering from drug addiction and that he went to church. That was all I needed to hear. In my desperation, I convinced myself he had the answers I was looking for, he could help me. In retrospect, I think I was just afraid to be alone. My relationship with him was the most tumultuous I had experienced yet. We were using together within weeks of meeting, despite his claim to be recovering from drug addiction and my desire to change. We used, and fought, we broke up, and got back together cyclically. We were completely toxic for each other. We were two sick people trying to blame each other for our own problems, while simultaneously hoping we would fix one other.
Like earlier in my drug use, I began to isolate from friends and family in an effort to conceal the effects of my drug use and the abuse in my relationship. Totally powerless, and feeling unable to protect my son, several people called the Department of Children and Families with requests to investigate how I was living and parenting my son. I was unable to accept personal responsibility for my drug problem and behaviors. I sold DCF a story where I was the victim in an abusive relationship. I complied with their requests, I scammed through drug tests and forced classes, and my case with DCF was quickly closed. My son never left my custody and I resolved my issues with the department of Children and Families.
I was unable to understand the motives of my friends and family and I grew distrustful and paranoid. When my business with DCF was done I chose to take my son and move out of state with my increasingly sexually, financially and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I believed a fantasy that we would move out of state and start a new life where we would finally get clean. I told myself we would be good to one another, and raise my son in the kind of town where he would go to the school with the same kids throughout his entire school career. Obviously, my fantasy was soon exposed. Once we were out of state I found myself totally isolated, with no phone, no money, and no vehicle. I had my then two-year-old son, a drug habit, a boyfriend who had now also become physically abusive to my son also, and no idea what to do next. My grand plan at that point was to locate a women’s shelter locally where my son and I could go live and find the help we desperately needed.
I had been given the gift of desperation. I was willing to do anything to live my life differently. I knew I needed help. The powers that be knew I was ready. A family member of my boyfriend’s came to visit us. While visiting, the boyfriend and I engaged in a volatile fight. This was normal for us, but this time there was a witness and this time someone called the cops. His family member offered for my son and I to leave with him and stay with him until I figured out our next step. It fell so obvious to me that this rescue had been orchestrated by some power greater than me. In my best efforts I had been unable to leave that relationship on my own. After spending so much time feeling imprisoned by my insecurities, by drugs and by other sick people, I finally felt free. I had never experienced so much gratitude in my life.
That relationship was one of my more useful experiences. As dangerous as it was, it was the conduit that the universe used to change my course and save my life. Not only had I finally become painfully aware of my mental, emotional and spiritual condition, but I also became aware that there was a practical solution to my problems. When I met that boyfriend he may have lied about being in recovery at that moment, but he didn’t lie about having experience with a Twelve Step Program. While we were together I tagged along with him to a few Twelve Step Meetings. I had experienced enough failure while using drugs to believe that these meetings might offer a solution to the way I was living my life.
I began attending a Twelve Step Fellowship immediately. I had left most of my belongings behind, changed my phone number and overhauled my Facebook page to delete people I used to use drugs with. In this recovery program I learned that I wasn’t an inherently bad person, incapable of making responsible decisions. I suffer from the disease of addiction. I found people who shared my feelings currently, as well as emotions I had experienced since childhood. I connected with other people who had also used drugs as a solution for their pain; but now they simply experienced life as it happened unfiltered by chemicals. Those whose energy was the most attractive to me had used this Twelve Step program to learn about their spiritual condition, and find a solution to their problem. They no longer caused intentional harm to themselves or others. I learned that the result of this program is an awakening of the spirit that allows each person to live authentically and to be a benefit to others.
I have since made the choice to take this path and found that it is as good as any to Spiritual Enlightenment. I have not found a reason to use drugs since I chose to use The Twelve Steps as the solution to my emotional and spiritual problem on April 1st 2014. I was able to stop using drugs and alcohol and change my life soon enough that my son will never remember what I was like while using. I successfully run a business where we offer transitional housing to men re-assimilating after prison. I am working towards my PhD in Metaphysical Sciences. I have become a wife. I am a friend and Step mother. My family and I live off-grid in the middle of hundreds of acres of forest. I raise goats, chickens, dogs, and cats. I have begun to build a life that I feel really proud to live. In general, I am excited to experience each day.
I’m not suggesting that I don’t feel uncomfortable feelings anymore, I’m saying that I know they won’t last forever. I’m no longer enslaved to a nihilistic existence. There have been times where life felt really difficult while on this path; when it may have been easier to slip back into my old victim mentality, and I felt disconnected from God and not worth good results. People I love have become chronically ill or even died. I’ve lost pets and experienced financial setbacks. I often encounter problems that I don’t know how to solve immediately. I still face feelings I don’t understand or know how to process. The difference now is that I have been shown a way to live through all of these things gracefully.
While looking into my past experiences and finding out the truth about myself and what’s happened I have been developing a deeper relationship with a power greater than me. At first my concept of this power was constructed entirely from the Twelve Step program I was attending. I viewed the Twelve Steps themselves as a power greater than me. I knew The Twelve Steps would help me sort out my experiences and guide me to some type of purpose; and they’ve done that and so much more. Now, through my own experiences I’ve grown to believe that the universe has a way of working all things together and that every experience matters. There are always opportunities to grow and learn.
If you would have told me ten years ago that this would be my life today I never would have believed it. I have grown to know and respect myself. I develop a deeper and more complex relationship with the life force of the universe. As each day passes my passion for life continues to expand and become richer. One of the most valuable things that’s been happening to me along this path is that I’ve been discovering my authentic self. I’m talking about the parts of me that were introduced into my life when I was a child and have been slumbering since my ego and then my disease became a driving force in my mind; my interests and passions. Things that seem trivial, like the way I like to dress or decorate my home and music I like to listen to, my parenting style, personal boundaries with friends and families and my sexuality. I’ve become more aware of the world around me and the people in it. I am mindful of my effect on those I come into contact with. I used to be so consumed with my own experience and discomfort that there was no space left in my thoughts for anyone else. I’ve become awake to the truth that, we are all doing the best we can at any given moment. It’s only been through evaluating my own thoughts, feelings and reactions that I have learned to have empathy and come to this realization.
Although my story tells a lot about the negative consequences of drug use, the drugs were never really the problem. My spiritual condition was the source of my anguish, I just chose to use drugs as a solution to my pain and discomfort. I believe the same tools I was given to survive my diseased thinking will work for anyone willing to learn to use them. Anyone could use The Twelve Steps as a path to discover their authentic self and live a purposeful life. The same path I’ve followed can be taken by anyone who is willing to put in the effort. Those who take The Twelve Step journey should have an honest desire to live differently, the willingness to be thorough, and decide to follow through all Twelve Steps. When we put in the effort here and now, the higher realm takes care of the rest.
Spirisophical means a philosophical look a spirituality.
The intention of spirisophical.org is to create a type of publication encompassing many different spiritual ideas, from all different types of writers. We don’t expect our writers to be experienced in the craft of writing. We don’t even expect that everything shared here be pious or overtly spiritual. We require that the stories shared be authentic and intended for the greater good.
It’s been our experience that truth comes in any form the listener is willing to hear and understand. We are seekers of wisdom and deeper spiritual understanding. We do not subscribe to any particular faith. We’ve found spiritual connection through the study of many different faiths, sciences, art, history, psychology, philosophy and so on.
We don’t subscribe to the idea that in order for something to be spiritual it should feel, sounds or look “good”. Quite opposite actually, we accept and appreciate the duality of all experiences. We know that sometimes our darkest most uncomfortable experiences lead us to deeper understanding and personal freedom. We encourage self exploration and acceptance. Our goal is to cultivate a platform for open minded, authentic sharing.
Our most intimate connection to what is divine is through the exploration and acceptance of our authentic selves and the natural world.
If you would like to submit a piece of writing to be considered for publishing on spirisophical.org please email it to:
noellsmith@spirisophical.org
Please include a title, your name, and any other crediting information you would like us to include!
Many Blessings
I knew in those moments I was experiencing something divine. I knew the eternal parts of me and the here and now parts of me had streamlined, that I had entered a multi dimensional experience. In the midst of chaos, I felt connected to infinity and I knew my purpose had not been lost.
Prior to those moments I had become so enmeshed in a lower nature that I lost all spiritual connection. It’s possible I never really had one. I always had ideas about something greater than me, a consciousness or community of energy, the existence of all, total unity, the place where all life energy returns to after death… The depths of me knew such a thing existed and couldn’t stand that I felt to separate from it. I had ideas about the importance of a total experience, that there is a purpose for everything and duality was necessary. I was also terrified to experience pain. So I tried to control my own experience and anesthetize the pain and confusion. I was unable to control any thing for any substantial amount of time. In this lower nature, my inability was certain. I had no idea how to cope. I wanted to die, to return to that place where unity, community and consciousness were natural.
Then I woke up into this daze of Daja Vu. Maybe my absolute defeat enabled this exchange.
Nothing was the same after those moments. The universe had conspired to guide me towards a new path. On a practical level my life had become so uncomfortable that drastic change didn’t seem scary. That Deja Vu was the jolt to recharge my spirit providing the strength needed to ascend from that lower nature.
The road to follow has not been easy but I haven’t had to descend yet.
I identify with a higher power of synchronicity, which places me in unity with you and you …. and you. I Identify with a higher power of progression, which has the ability to move any circumstance forward regardless of my choice to struggle through the process or to not. I identify with a higher power of balance, which is not definitive within labels or extremes. I identify with a higher power of creation, which has the ability to create paths where I see stone walls. I identify with a higher power who is as persistently in love with my well being as with yours. I identify with a higher power of transformation, which is sponsoring constant growth and change.I identify with a higher power of infinite exponential capacity to expand my spiritual views enabling me to cope within this world. Most importantly I identify with a higher power, beyond my singular consciousness, which places power of choice, recovery and freedom within me.
I think things are about perspective…I had the thought today, that it is necessary for us to experience difficulties or hardships in life… if life is about moving on to the next thing and helping others do the same then each experience becomes just that. An experience that will enable us to do the next one. And help us to be compassionate towards another person feeling similarly.. I’ve experienced a lot of emotional trials… and I’ve had a hard time excepting things as they are happening… I just want them to change, so I feel better but i’m starting to appreciate the growth that actually happens from these things. And practice patience…
5/13/14
I seem to be having a continuous stream of Deja Vu. It started in spurts when I got to Pennsylvania. Today I feel like I’m awake in a dream. It’s not that everything is spectacular yet, as My thought process is not enabling that. Perhaps I have become Awake to life. I Can’t help but wonder if Deja Vu is a reflection of something God has seen play out. Some type of reminder to my physical self of what my spirit has known…
Light, Dark
Yin, Yang
Good, Evil
Right, Wrong
Masculine, Feminine
… Alpha, Omega
As a species we have defined our word through extremes. Through these definitive words we are not only limiting our own potential, but limiting the all encompassing balance and supremacy the universe, or what I call God, is offering. The Two Will Become One. we have reached a pivotal shift, which we must allow our hearts to give way to, without the mind impeading. It is within our heart that we understand unities place. The Two Will Become One. I is time to break through these barriers of thoughts and words to allow free flow of spirit, and in turn external connection. This is often unknowingly what we long for, Connection, spiritual connection, which will also manifest physically. loose yourself. Silence your mind. Begin to hear the whispers of your heart. Allow your soul to lead. Break the barriers. Forget the extremes.
“I have lots of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so don’t worry. It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
~ Jack Kerouac
Borrowed From Aries Rising @
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Aries-Rising/350094938372246
Thank You ❤
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
Trying to decipher between Labels,
Am I….
Controlled,
Addict,
Mother,
Girlfriend,
Hard-worker,
People Pleaser…?
Sick,
Traumatized,
Beautiful,
‘A Gem’,
Nerd,
A Friend,
Selfish,
Abused,
Nurturing,
Christian,
Faithless,
Heathen,
Condemned….
I THINK, what I have been is Influenced. Allowing Labels to define what is most precious, ME. As a result of these labels and past experiences toiling through my head I have believed a fictitious story about myself. Meanwhile, feeling as though I am trying to claw my way out from the inside. Utterly discontent and uncomfortable Everyday. Momentary lapses of clarity have begun to give way. Fleeting spaces in time where I feel necessary, meaningful and complete. In these moments I have let go of stigmas placed by me and others. Allowing the constructs of my mind to merge with soul, moving away from the world and it’s words into my home and my heart. Where in I am Outside of Labels. Within I am not what I have done, I am who I am. I am not a story to be written nor a Label to be spoken.
What were Adam and Eve like before they ate the apple? The bible tells us of Eden, where they lived, and what they did, what they saw on a daily basis. My curiosity ponders, how did they act, on a personal level? How did they feel? Or did they have any comprehension of feelings? Were they so engulfed, harmonized with God that variation of Feelings and Emotions were obsolete? What is it about these traits that changed after knowledge of Good and Evil was acquired? Furthermore, what knowledge was actually gained from eating of the tree of knowledge? I would love to hear your thoughts on these things. In non- religious diction. How did this knowledge change humanity so much? And what is the comparison from before the apple and after? Apart from the common answer of ‘Man was introduced to Sin.’ Well then, what is SIN? How is it that knowledge gained, gave birth to the label ‘Sin’?
Did we gain knowledge of duality? Balance of ‘good’ and ‘evil’. Clearly we are not entirely from either spectrum, but created within both. They both form one, as yin and yang. We are one within this balance.
Is it because it had always been in our nature to label and name things, that we, by our vary nature continued to do the same. Only now, with the ‘knowledge’ that the other side of the spectrum existed we became aware of separateness? Not seeing the unity within duality. An all encompassing God.
These are thoughts I’ve had. I am passionately curious as to others thoughts on this topic. No judgments, just passionate curiosity.
I received this message from a close friend this evening:
“tonight, God drew all of my anger, bitterness and frustration out of me like poison from a wound. It hurt. I hurt bad, but I got it out. It was extremely painful, but I faced my own thoughts face to face honestly. This is how letting go happens. It can’t be a hint of it; it has to be the real thing. As soon as you see the face of what is destroying you, you know what to keep away from you. You find out that every other angle is so very free and unexplored. Every ray of energy without a story already attached. To remove yourself from the drama of every situation. Just experience it, without letting it consume you.
this is hitting bottom. . . and deciding not to stay there.”
-Erik Heran
I thank God for the message about to be given, and my prayer is that a seed is planted within you that takes root,
dies and becomes firmly rooted within your spirit, as the world depends on it, on you, on US.
We have been created within this plane of existence as human. Placed in higher regard than even the angels.
We have been given free will where the Angels are commanded by the very voice of God.
We have been given the gift to choose to accept the Love and gifts of the spirit of God.
To utilize these things, to Love in return, unconditionally, and called to share these gifts with the world!
(ha! too funny, as God would have it R.E.M’s Loosing my religion streamed through my music as I’m writing this)
When I speak of God i do not reference a greying man in the sky marching with a cane and sprinkling magic God dust bring peace and
prosperity to church going people. I speak of the Force from which the universe and ALL inhabitants were created.
The Source of all that is and all that could ever be imagined. He is all of these things imagined. He is The Love within
you, and the Love that streams through you. You are BLESSED to be a vessel, called to light By him, for him, THROUGH HIM.
And you have CHOSEN to say Yes! I will take part in bringing your light and your Love to a broken, contrite, Dying world.
My true purpose in writing this is not to preach to you about God, If he has taught me anything, it is that he comes
to each individual as is fit for that person. Your relationship with God is just that, it is personal, intimate and ESSENTIAL.
I urge you to meditate on that concept alone. An INTIMATE relationship with God – as a Twin meets their Flame God is pursuing
YOU. I am concerned. I am concerned that though we have recognized some gifts we have been given, we are not recognizing
the source and in essence asking idols for guidance. I grew up in a home where the word God was not spoken, nor was the concept
illustrated. We learned of astral projecting, utilizing the help of our spirit guides. We trusted tarot cards, were given
dreams of prophecy. We read of interpreting dreams. We regressed to past lives. . . I went from there to studying any and all faith bases I could from
the Tibetan book of the dead, to the Koran, to Taoism, back to mythology and most recently to Catholicism/Christianity (which
5 years ago i would have shunned entirely). At this point the veils once placed have been lifted from my eyes.
God can not be summed in any one book of theology. But we have been taught this,
God has made himself PERSONALLY available to us. No longer is he in a box, where only the holiest of holies can go, hopefully
not to hear a bell ring as he drops dead to the floor covered in ‘sin’. God is Calling YOU to HIM personally. I urge you
in your prayers and meditations to Go directly to him as the source, there is no reason for mediators. And I Promise you
any real progress you are making within these gifts is a result of HIS will, and your response, not because of the angel, or deity
you have prayed too. Things of this world are either OF GOD or of EGO, people. WE need to recognize GOD as the source of everything
within life. Being the people he’s guided in connection with you, the dreams you are having, the words that are pouring
out of you, the light-headed feeling that seeps into every fiber of your being. Within every fiber of your being you are intertwined
with the same energy that brings life giving properties to the sun. A feeling was stirred up in me today, which I would have typically
interpreted as fear. Though God has created EVERYTHING, everything includes choice. Though God created the angels to love and serve him,
over 133,316,666 (roughly) of these angels have chosen to go against the love and life of God. For each Arch angel their is an
opposing Angel generally attributed to a deadly sin. There are forces at work in dimensions you cannot see that wish nothing
more than to thwart everything God is utilizing your gifts for. Your gifts are not for you, they are for the WORLD, for LOVE
and painting a portrait of God. Making him tangible in an unbelieving world. Be cautious in your practices, always remembering,
remaining thankfull to GOD. Always keeping God at the center of your meditations, for he is the only source. The channels in
which he chooses to reveal to you are up to him, not you for interpreting. Use heavenly wisdom. Head to your heart, and always work in light.
Having been on both sides of this veil, I urge you not to just take my words, hear what God is speaking to you and meditate on
that, WITH him. You have been called as sons and daughters of the most high. Take your place. The world needs God’s Love Now!
♑☥♑
8/17
I’ve been led through an abundance of reflection recently – I see clearly the inner connections within most faith – for me the teachings of Jesus have been a unifying piece. . .I wanted to share some of my thoughts and revelations from this past week – not to convert – but to offer perspective and thought to you all
Blessings; is a word and topic i feel is thrown around very loosely. New Truck! ‘I’m Blessed’….Got Job I wanted ‘I’m Blessed’…..Bonus check ‘I’m Blessed’ …. Healthy child ‘I’m Blessed’…..win lottery ‘I’m Blessed’….miss rush hour traffic ‘I’m Blessed’…..
Picture the Garden Of Eden. Imagine – Perfect harmony with the creator of the universe ‘God’. . naming animals, in perfect open communication with God. Enjoying the vastness of the beautiful world created for shear enjoyment and pleasure. Complete perfect connection and harmony with God. The ultimate illustration of blessing is painted through this picture . . .Perfect unity with the Creator, perfect communication, peace, purpose, Love.
At some point this connection was severed as a result of our free will. I do not deem this to be neither a good nor a bad thing, but a cause and effect situation. At the point in which we gained knowledge of ‘Good’ and ‘Evil’ our relationship with God was severed as we became aware of our shame. It makes me wonder if we acted any differently before there was knowledge of right and wrong? Or if we behaved exactly the same, and did not know any different.
This brings me to now – Blessing is not found in material things we receive, but by the overwhelming heart felt connection with the Creator, God. True Blessing is unity With God and the spiritual experience to follow.
Treasures; Keep in mind this same picture of the Garden, and human separation from the unadulterated pure spirit of God. I believe there is something placed within us that yearns for this connection. I also believe that God intends to fulfill that connection, and it will be done.
What do you treasure in this world? what do you spend your money on? where do you spend your time? your thoughts? what do you hold dear, what do you treasure?
I would like to offer this perspective, interpret as you will…. Jesus was in also in perfect connection with God – Jesus was one with God as the creation of the universe unfolded – experiencing perfect harmony, love, all wisdom of what is and what is to come, what has been. Jesus was encompassed within everything we all yearn for- You, Me, Us. You see with all the ‘treasure’ Jesus experienced in perfect unity with God he yearned for the same thing we do – Connection – connection with us.
Jesus lived this human existence of poverty, separation from God, from the love he experienced in ascended places. But he is one example of a man with the type of connection we crave. The same could be said about Buddha, Ghandi, Confuscious and to name a few.
We are the treasure that God longs for. For us to acknowledge and respond the metaphysics of God. We are the treasure of God, of all that is and will ever be – whats your Treasure?
♑☥♑
10-2-12
I Heard God’s voice Once
In auditory Norm
His voice came through a Muse
Expressing his Freeform
Over come with astonishment
Humanity in his diction
I could not help but say to him
“This is it?! And I’m Not a Christian.”
That didn’t seem to matter
He spoke clearly his reply
“What did you expect my Love?”
“A man up in the sky?”
Tears streamed down my cheeks
That or my face was leaking
Water from my soul
Which God said he was releasing
He told me it was Me
Who caused my own torment
That he felt each breath of pain I felt
Experienced my Laments
I asked how is it possible
To be released from such travail
God said he would remove the bars
Release me from my cell
From my own Captivity
A prison built from desire
To please the world and myself too
He would set this world on Fire
A contrived view of myself
He said was my affliction
That self defeat, and people pleasing
Had become an addiction
I now don’t hear his Voice
But his message was very clear
Be Bold through iniquities
Don’t give into fear
You may only be courageous
In the midst of dread and anxiety
God told me I was free
To live the way I pleased
He seemed very confident
I’m Living the life he’s given
In exactly the way that’s meant to be
Purposeful and Sufficient
He finally begged and pleaded
I would leave my misinterpretations behind
Let go of extremities
Stop allowing self to be defined
My life is one portrait
A show of what God is
In human fleshly form
Where God lives from within
He experiences through me
all that I endure
For the pain that I have suffered
Acceptance is the cure
The treatment lays in Living
A life passionately
Not questioning every motive
And using my heart to see
I know he’s speaking to you
I know you hear him clear
I know his spirit guides you
I know he holds you near
I feel vibrations from him
He draws me closer through you
I feel the Love surrounding
He calls me to give in
I know he’s speaking to me
I keep my heart open
Just that I may hear
Every word he’s spoken
We cant experience the sound
But we feel the Vibration
He is the essence uniting
Perfect Creation
♑☥♑
11-6-12
Break Free- Break free of patterns- Break free of stereotypes- Break free of peoples opinions of you- Break free from self image- Break free from negative thought- Break free from the norm. You have the God given gift to allow the world around you to manifest through you. Your thought process possesses a Vibrational reaction upon the world around you. You possess the gift to effect the world around you on a mass scale, But you must be free of stigmas and judgments. Break Free
Om is a sacred symbol and sound declared through multiple religions. The syllable Om is composed of three sounds a-u-m (in Sanskrit, the vowels a and u combine to become o) which when combined represent the trinity nature of the sound and symbol.
In some religions the symbol is said to embody earth atmosphere and heaven. In Hindu, the Om is representative of the Gods’ Brahma, Vishnu, and Shiva…. Ultimately the Om is widely believed to be ”Something sacred …connected to the divine or holy.”
The Om is also described as “the embodiment of the universe.” In some cultures including an Indian philosophical ideas as well as Himalayan Sages it is taught that God created sound first and from that sound everything in the universe was created. Om, as the most sacred sound “is the root of the universe and everything that exists and it continues to hold everything together”. Withing Indian culture it is also taught that from this primal sound came the desire for humans to learn other sounds as the basis for verbal communication.
Om is considered by some the most sacred of any sound and “the syllable which preceded the universe and from which the gods were created.” ” The cosmic vibration that holds together the atoms of the world and heavens.” Some, such as the Upanishads believe Om is god in the form of sound. In Hindu and Sanskrit religions the sound ‘Aum’ is used preceding any prayer as a calling to God. Inviting God’s supernatural presence to inhabit whatever is to follow
A dear friend told me a story the other day. A man saw a moth struggling to get out of his cocoon. The moth was in his final stage of metamorphosis. The man felt badly watching the moth struggle, so he proceeded to grab an instrument and cut the cocoon open allowing the moth freedom.
He watched as the life of the moth was short-lived. You see through this transition there is a teenie tiny hole that the moth must squeeze through, leaving the life that sustained him inside the cocoon. The man thinking that he was helping actually caused an early death for the moth as he was not able to continue with the natural order of his metamorphosis…
Growth and change are never easy. The trials and tribulations to follow can be even more difficult. But the rewards of the journey are priceless. I laugh as I relate life to a moth…but we to must leave the old behind and transform into what we have been created to be. Birth is not finished at labor, and death does not begin when your body physically dies. These things are cyclical throughout life. As we are constantly dying to old pieces of our self. Feelings, past hurts, past loves, addictions, stigmas of who we are. EGO is what we are trying to lose. SOUL is who we are trying to become. Spirit is what we are praying to receive. We are born innately Soul sick. conformed for the majority of our lives by society. Told who we are, as opposed to truly seeking who we’ve been created to be. We have the ability to co-exist between two realms….this one , the seen, the temporal. and the unseen, the eternal. The soul isn’t meant to die. Our soul is designed to transcend from this plane of existence. Everything we experience is in preparation for this. The key is in the spirit. we will remain soul-sick until we invite the spirit of creation into our lives to breathe life into our jaded complexes. The soul is personal, it’s emotional, it’s who we are. The spirit is life, fresh , able to transcend. When the two conjoin, life has only just begun as our second birth takes place…
It draws us together,
It tears us apart.
It marks the end of a beginning,
Or does it simply make it start?
Unquestionable and divine
It charts a lineage for big and small
Controlling strings that thus connect us all.
In all our lives it guides us, pushes and controls us.
For purposes and causes relatively unknown.
Inevitable and undeniable, like a statistic,
It runs my life, behind curtains of chaotic turns.
I’ve seen its face, through counting the passing days
It’s neither good nor evil, like a program.
It merely bends and shapes all things,
Into the linearity of life and the development of soul.
It makes my purpose rather clear,
And yet completely unknown if I can change it all.
Most of us have accepted the inner pull asking, ‘whats more to this life, whats the point?’ some may describe it as a God sized hole, others may be too consumed with this material world to notice it’s there. But in the beginning (prior to the big bang for you science oriented) all we know there to have been is LIGHT. I call this God. I believe that everything in the UNIVERSE was created from this source including you and I. Would we be able to touch the sun, that gives life and energy to the world? NO way, we would burn in a heap within millions of miles. I believe it is the same way with GOD. Being pure light and love, we, in this state of human existence, are so far removed from what is pure and true that upon direct approach of such light we could not withstand the awesome energy. AS though we are balls of chaotic energy and God is that energy which is PURE. The two can not co-exist without the pure destroying the chaotic. ‘In his image’… we have been created with endless potential to be tapped into, both in the physical and other dimensionally. Bringing clarity to the chaos is to know your potential in union with the creator. These truths are within us, may be different diction depending on person. I know that we have the potential to be in perfect unity with the LIGHT. The same Energy that formed the world is waiting to invade our souls. Will you allow that?
So Interesting. Addiction has become a human condition. Drugs and alcohol are only included in the ‘addiction’. All of these things are symptoms to the problem, which ultimately is a deeply rooted spiritual problem that manifests in us, just wanting to feel something different than we already do. We want to change the Gaping hole of destroyed self- worth, condemnation, regret, and a genuine feeling of unhappiness ALL the time. We try to find labels to make ourselves feel better, or more worthy members of society. Jobs, relationships, sex, drugs (insert drug of choice here), religion, charity. . pick your poison. Bottom line is most of us spend a life time trying to Feel Better. The ultimate rock bottom, as I see it, Is not over- dosing or ‘loosing it all’. Rock bottom is when you realize that none of these things work. None of these things take away the all consuming pain you feel every second of every day. In fact all of these ‘symptoms’ only contribute to your unyielding burning in the for of guilt and resentment. I have not yet UN-locked the secret to happiness. I believe it starts with our thought process, and I’m told a Higher- Power must be present to fill this void we encounter. For me, I’ve been learning that I am actually in control of my life, and that I am capable of perusing the things I am passionate about. I still feel a struggle hourly, sometimes momentarily as I fear the next thing that may happen. But I then have to remind myself that, in the epic storyline of events transpired in my life, everything has seemed to work out. I do believe in God, a Higher- Power. I can’t imagine him as a parent figure, My parents, I don’t believe are the best model for this, unless God’s ‘Love’ is conditional. I suppose I follow a spirituality similar to Nhat Hanh, I believe ‘being in the image of God’, we posses the power to effect the world around us, beginning with ourselves. I believe God reveals himself in many forms, personal to the individual who seeks. I see God as a collective consciousness, inhabiting everyone and everything. I see God as all encompassing ‘good’ and ‘evil’. He must be? I have been on a quest to find exactly what My Concept of God is. Though I have not entirely figured it out yet, I know this is the piece I am lacking. And what my heart is desperately searching for.
I’ve been recently posting many pieces of writing, which I have already written. I feel now is the time to share a personal story..ish. Let it be known that all of my writing, obviously, is based on personal convictions or experiences. I share in the hopes that one of you may read and think something like ‘AH! someone else get’s it! I am not alone, and I am certainly not crazy… (or insert personal reflection here).
I was Diagnosed Bi-Polar when I was 16 years old. Seems a bit ridiculous, right? It would seem to me that every 16 year old girl is by definition Bi-Polar. The ‘Disease’ is characterized (in broad terms) by going from one extreme flipping from one emotional extremity to another. Or at least this is how I was diagnosed.
I suppose I acted in ways that could be checked off on the MD Bipolar checklist for many years. I was promiscuous, depressed, manic, indecisive. I abused various drugs, went on shopping sprees…. WHATEVER. The list of my off color choices goes on and on. I choose to use the term ‘off color’ for this reason.
Today. I accept who I am in entirety. I am not ‘Bi Polar’. I do not suffer from any disorder apart from being a human being trying to find my identity in the world. I am continuously bombarded with outside influence. Whether it be the loving advice of friends or family, religious groups (who I believe have the best of intentions) or my own scholarly research. I believe I am a spiritual being living a human existence. I believe we all are. This is why life, feelings and choices feel (FEEL, feeling are such a blessing and a curse) so deeply. I have allowed myself to be deeply effected by outside sources as opposed to following my own instincts. I can see how that may appear ‘Bi- Polar’ I suppose in a sense it is. I have been acting out of accordance with my own soul in an effort to please the world.
My point in this rant. Is to say NO MORE. I will not allow myself to be defined by the extremities of others extremities. Instead I will not be defined. I will simply be.
This is only a small piece of the story I hope to share. Utilizing the poetry and ‘stream of consciousness’ pieces in between as insight.
I don’t know what your purpose is, but i know someone who does.
I don’t know what your meant to do, but i know it’s inspired with love.
I don’t know what he’s saying to you, but i know you should be listening.
I don’t know how to tell you, he’s the piece your missing.
He’s waiting for you to cry out to him, broken on the floor,
You’ll shout at him “why me, why me?” and he’ll show you something more.
That tug you feel it’s on your heart, so give up your false control.
Cry out and say “Father please hear me! it’s with you that i enroll!”
I sense the fear within you, confusion whispering loud.
It’s because your standing on the brink of when glory will abound.
I don’t know what his plans are, but i know they’re better when their his.
Once you let him dwell within you, you’ll receive his graceful kiss.
I enjoy a cigarette and a glass of red wine, all the while condemning myself, blinded to the fact that God doesn’t. He loves me with ripped jeans and far too much sarcasm. The truths he speaks to my heart white out my flaws. Listening ears are a prayer request of mine, as well as a heart without judgment. It’s not perfection I seek, But to find comfort within my imperfection. Knowing, with my flaws I continue to a perfectly unique creation, essential to the universal design.
sins forgiven , set apart
bondage broken, from before the start
chosen for light before the foundations of the world
created with gifts, constantly becoming unfurled
this is all great head knowledge
deep within my heart there’s much left to dredge
is there a difference between heart, and soul?
or are the connected? to repair only one hole?
is there a key to make concepts real?
one that unlocks suppressions seal?
there was a time once I lived with no remorse
lived through chaos, let nature take its course
I feel as though I had it more together then
before I bit the apple and dove right down it
I’m finished trying to figure this all out
not giving up faith, just admitting it’s something I know nothing about
In fact at this point I claim to know absolutely nothing
not whats happened, what I’m feeling, or whats coming
I think inevitably it’s better that way
free from expectations is where i will stay
free from delusions of how life’s supposed to be
from what it means to actually be free
Everything is Spiritual. 