Tag Archive: addiction


A “feelings” disease.

Growing up I was easily distracted and effected by my emotions.  I felt like I had originally hailed from some other world or place where I had done something to deserve punishment.    I was sure my punishment was being sent here, to this life, totally consumed and enslaved by my thoughts and feelings. Human interactions that came natural to others seems a source of confusion and pure agony for me.

 I cared more about how other people viewed me than developing my own authentic self.  To say I was a people pleaser is an understatement.  I was terrified of disapproval and hoped everyone would like me and always say nice things about me.  I learned how to fit in to any type of social circle, sometimes even making up fictitious stories hoping that I would be well received by others.

 I was vain.  Although, it didn’t matter how attractive I actually was because my insecurities ran so deep that no human power of approval could console me. Because I was incapable of emotional intimacy I confused intimacy with sexuality.  I became promiscuous, which only heightened my feelings of anxiety and degradation.

 I was very intelligent but unable to form or follow through with any long-term goals.  I lacked self-esteem and perseverance.  I walked through the motions of life but believed everyone else was more deserving and was capable than me. 

Intuitively I always knew there was some life force at work greater than me.  I leaned towards the idea of a collective consciousness.  I experienced brief moments of synchronicity; moments where I experienced that notion that everything happens for a reason and that my life was a valuable and important part of the collective.   Those times were short lived, and I always regressed back into my insecurities.  I felt as though, that continuous and lasting connection with the life force of the universe was just out of my reach.  I couldn’t determine if this was because I was undeserving or because I didn’t know how to make the connection.  Either way I was left feeling rejected, inadequate, afraid and uninspired.

I started using drugs and alcohol when I was thirteen.  Truthfully though, I couldn’t wait to use my first drug.  I was desperate for something that would alleviate my constant anxiety and feelings of suffering. For a while, years even, the drugs and alcohol offered me some relief.  The enabled me to tune out my nagging fear, anxiety and social discomfort. Naïve to my already bazaar using habits, I believed I was using socially, the way my peers did.  I hadn’t realized yet that ultimately, I was trying to fill the God sized void.

I completed high school with honors. I left for collage with a full academic scholarship only to drop out within the first year, move to West Palm Beach Florida, and become a bartender.  By this time my drug use had progressed, and it was necessary to adjust my lifestyle so that using didn’t appear abnormal to those around me.  

I had no goals, no future, no purpose.  I was involved in multiple abusive relationships, physically, emotionally , financially, and sexually.  Not all of my relationships were terrible.  I never lasted long with the “nice guys” though. I always convinced myself I had become bored with them.  Really, I didn’t believe yet that I deserved to be treated kindly or with respect.  Those “nice guys” couldn’t complete with my lack of self-worth.  I didn’t want someone to fix me, I wanted someone who understood my suffering and could experience it with me.

Eventually I became pregnant.  I had never planned to have a child, However, something in me knew that this life had been granted by some life force greater than me, I may have even been calling that power God.  By this time, I was a daily narcotics user.  I lacked the capacity to honestly consider anyone’s needs other than my own.  I had no prior experience with babies or children, but I felt compelled to follow through with this pregnancy.  Fortunately my son was born without any drugs or alcohol in his system, but I was using again within two months of his birth.  

I had grown incapable of living life without the use of some type of drug or alcohol.  I didn’t differentiate between street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs.  The drug itself didn’t matter so much as the emotional relief I was trying to give myself through their use.  I believed they enhanced my performance in life.   The birth of my son forced me to become painfully aware of the dangers of my drug dependence. I found that my fears alone did not provide me with the will to quit.  I could not stop using drugs or alcohol through any power of my own.

Since I had become aware of the consequences of my drug use, and realized that I could not stop using with ease, I grew determined to find a way to change my life.  I tried multiple times to just not use drugs or alcohol using my own power of will, only to return to using.  I tried not using specific drugs or to limit my using to certain days or times, and always, eventually lost control.  I tried studying different scientific, approaches and ideas, metaphysic, quantum physics, and many different spiritual practices. I investigated different religious ideas and even chose to get “saved” at one point.  I tried seeing a psychiatrist and dealing with my problems medically.  I moved to different houses with different people, changed jobs and changed boyfriends.  No matter what I tried tot maneuver, I could not stop using. I didn’t know how to live as a responsible adult or caregiver. I felt embarrassed, abandoned and totally defeated. I couldn’t imagine living with my guilt, and feelings of inadequacy without some type of substance to anesthetize my chronic emotional discomfort.

I hated that I couldn’t just stop and live the way I saw other people living.  It didn’t make any sense to me that while knowing the negative consequences of my drug use I couldn’t just change the way I was living, I couldn’t just stop.  From the depths of my defeat and self-hatred I hoped and prayed that God, whatever that meant, would just take my free will and force me to make good decisions for my life and for my son.  I believed that I had lost the ability to make any good or rational choices for myself.

At this point, I met a guy.  I was bartending, he was drinking at my bar and we struck up a conversation.  He told me that he was recovering from drug addiction and that he went to church.  That was all I needed to hear. In my desperation, I convinced myself he had the answers I was looking for, he could help me. In retrospect, I think I was just afraid to be alone. My relationship with him was the most tumultuous I had experienced yet.  We were using together within weeks of meeting, despite his claim to be recovering from drug addiction and my desire to change. We used, and fought, we broke up, and got back together cyclically.  We were completely toxic for each other. We were two sick people trying to blame each other for our own problems, while simultaneously hoping we would fix one other.

Like earlier in my drug use, I began to isolate from friends and family in an effort to conceal the effects of my drug use and the abuse in my relationship. Totally powerless, and feeling unable to protect my son, several people called the Department of Children and Families with requests to investigate how I was living and parenting my son.  I was unable to accept personal responsibility for my drug problem and behaviors. I sold DCF a story where I was the victim in an abusive relationship.  I complied with their requests, I scammed through drug tests and forced classes, and my case with DCF was quickly closed.  My son never left my custody and I resolved my issues with the department of Children and Families. 

 I was unable to understand the motives of my friends and family and I grew distrustful and paranoid.  When my business with DCF was done I chose to take my son and move out of state with my increasingly sexually, financially and emotionally abusive boyfriend.  I believed a fantasy that we would move out of state and start a new life where we would finally get clean. I told myself we would be good to one another, and raise my son in the kind of town where he would go to the school with the same kids throughout his entire school career.  Obviously, my fantasy was soon exposed.  Once we were out of state I found myself totally isolated, with no phone, no money, and no vehicle.  I had my then two-year-old son, a drug habit, a boyfriend who had now also become physically abusive to my son also, and no idea what to do next.  My grand plan at that point was to locate a women’s shelter locally where my son and I could go live and find the help we desperately needed.  

I had been given the gift of desperation.  I was willing to do anything to live my life differently.  I knew I needed help. The powers that be knew I was ready.  A family member of my boyfriend’s came to visit us.  While visiting, the boyfriend and I engaged in a volatile fight.  This was normal for us, but this time there was a witness and this time someone called the cops.  His family member offered for my son and I to leave with him and stay with him until I figured out our next step. It fell so obvious to me that this rescue had been orchestrated by some power greater than me. In my best efforts I had been unable to leave that relationship on my own.  After spending so much time feeling imprisoned by my insecurities, by drugs and by other sick people, I finally felt free. I had never experienced so much gratitude in my life.

That relationship was one of my more useful experiences. As dangerous as it was, it was the conduit that the universe used to change my course and save my life.  Not only had I finally become painfully aware of my mental, emotional and spiritual condition, but I also became aware that there was a practical solution to my problems.  When I met that boyfriend he may have lied about being in recovery at that moment, but he didn’t lie about having experience with a Twelve Step Program.  While we were together I tagged along with him to a few Twelve Step Meetings. I had experienced enough failure while using drugs to believe that these meetings might offer a solution to the way I was living my life. 

I began attending a Twelve Step Fellowship immediately.  I had left most of my belongings behind, changed my phone number and overhauled my Facebook page to delete people I used to use drugs with.   In this recovery program I learned that I wasn’t an inherently bad person, incapable of making responsible decisions.  I suffer from the disease of addiction. I found people who shared my feelings currently, as well as emotions I had experienced since childhood.  I connected with other people who had also used drugs as a solution for their pain; but now they simply experienced life as it happened unfiltered by chemicals.    Those whose energy was the most attractive to me had used this Twelve Step program to learn about their spiritual condition, and find a solution to their problem. They no longer caused intentional harm to themselves or others.  I learned that the result of this program is an awakening of the spirit that allows each person to live authentically and to be a benefit to others.  

I have since made the choice to take this path and found that it is as good as any to Spiritual Enlightenment.  I have not found a reason to use drugs since I chose to use The Twelve Steps as the solution to my emotional and spiritual problem on April 1st 2014.  I was able to stop using drugs and alcohol and change my life soon enough that my son will never remember what I was like while using. I successfully run a business where we offer transitional housing to men re-assimilating after prison.  I am working towards my PhD in Metaphysical Sciences.  I have become a wife.  I am a friend and Step mother.  My family and I live off-grid in the middle of hundreds of acres of forest. I raise goats, chickens, dogs, and cats.  I have begun to build a life that I feel really proud to live. In general, I am excited to experience each day.

I’m not suggesting that I don’t feel uncomfortable feelings anymore, I’m saying that I know they won’t last forever. I’m no longer enslaved to a nihilistic existence. There have been times where life felt really difficult while on this path; when it may have been easier to slip back into my old victim mentality, and I felt disconnected from God and not worth good results.  People I love have become chronically ill or even died.  I’ve lost pets and experienced financial setbacks.  I often encounter problems that I don’t know how to solve immediately.  I still face feelings I don’t understand or know how to process.  The difference now is that I have been shown a way to live through all of these things gracefully. 

While looking into my past experiences and finding out the truth about myself and what’s happened I have been developing a deeper relationship with a power greater than me.  At first my concept of this power was constructed entirely from the Twelve Step program I was attending.  I viewed the Twelve Steps themselves as a power greater than me. I knew The Twelve Steps would help me sort out my experiences and guide me to some type of purpose; and they’ve done that and so much more. Now, through my own experiences I’ve grown to believe that the universe has a way of working all things together and that every experience matters. There are always opportunities to grow and learn.

If you would have told me ten years ago that this would be my life today I never would have believed it.  I have grown to know and respect myself.  I develop a deeper and more complex relationship with the life force of the universe.  As each day passes my passion for life continues to expand and become richer. One of the most valuable things that’s been happening to me along this path is that I’ve been discovering my authentic self.  I’m talking about the parts of me that were introduced into my life when I was a child and have been slumbering since my ego and then my disease became a driving force in my mind; my interests and passions.  Things that seem trivial, like the way I like to dress or decorate my home and music I like to listen to, my parenting style, personal boundaries with friends and families and my sexuality. I’ve become more aware of the world around me and the people in it.  I am mindful of my effect on those I come into contact with.  I used to be so consumed with my own experience and discomfort that there was no space left in my thoughts for anyone else.  I’ve become awake to the truth that, we are all doing the best we can at any given moment.  It’s only been through evaluating my own thoughts, feelings and reactions that I have learned to have empathy and come to this realization.

Although my story tells a lot about the negative consequences of drug use, the drugs were never really the problem.  My spiritual condition was the source of my anguish, I just chose to use drugs as a solution to my pain and discomfort.  I believe the same tools I was given to survive my diseased thinking will work for anyone willing to learn to use them. Anyone could use The Twelve Steps as a path to discover their authentic self and live a purposeful life.  The same path I’ve followed can be taken by anyone who is willing to put in the effort.    Those who take The Twelve Step journey should have an honest desire to live differently, the willingness to be thorough, and decide to follow through all Twelve Steps.  When we put in the effort here and now, the higher realm takes care of the rest. 

Trying to decipher between Labels,

Am I….

Controlled,

Addict,

Mother,

Girlfriend,

Hard-worker,

People Pleaser…?

Sick,

Traumatized,

Beautiful,

‘A Gem’,

Nerd,

A Friend,

Selfish,

Abused,

Nurturing,

Christian,

Faithless,

Heathen,

Condemned….

 

I THINK, what I have been is Influenced.  Allowing Labels to define what is most precious, ME.   As a result of these labels and past experiences toiling through my head I have believed a fictitious story about myself.  Meanwhile, feeling as though I am trying to claw my way out from the inside.  Utterly discontent and uncomfortable Everyday.  Momentary lapses of clarity have begun to give way.  Fleeting spaces in time where I feel necessary, meaningful and complete.  In these moments I have let go of stigmas placed by me and others.   Allowing the constructs of my mind to merge with soul,  moving away from the world and it’s words into my home and my heart.  Where in I am Outside of Labels.  Within I am not what I have done, I am who I am.  I am not a story to be written nor a Label to be spoken.

 

We are all Addicts

So Interesting. Addiction has become a human condition.  Drugs and alcohol are only included in the ‘addiction’.  All of these things are symptoms to the problem, which ultimately is a deeply rooted spiritual problem that manifests in us, just wanting to feel something different than we already do.  We want to change the Gaping hole of destroyed self- worth, condemnation, regret, and a genuine feeling of unhappiness ALL the time.  We try to find labels to make ourselves feel better, or more worthy members of society.  Jobs, relationships, sex, drugs (insert drug of choice here), religion, charity. .  pick your poison.  Bottom line is most of us spend a life time trying to Feel Better.  The ultimate rock bottom, as I see it, Is not over- dosing or ‘loosing it all’.  Rock bottom is when you realize that none of these things work.  None of these things take away the all consuming pain you feel every second of every day.  In fact all of these ‘symptoms’ only contribute to your unyielding burning in the for of guilt and resentment.  I have not yet UN-locked the secret to happiness.  I believe it starts with our thought process, and I’m told a Higher- Power must be present to fill this void we encounter.  For me, I’ve been learning that I am actually in control of my life, and that I am capable of perusing the things I am passionate about.  I still feel a struggle hourly, sometimes momentarily as I fear the next thing that may happen.  But I then have to remind myself that, in the epic storyline of events transpired in my life, everything has seemed to work out.  I do believe in God, a Higher- Power.  I can’t imagine him as a parent figure, My parents, I don’t believe are the best model for this, unless God’s ‘Love’ is conditional.  I suppose I follow a spirituality similar to Nhat Hanh,  I believe ‘being in the image of God’, we posses the power to effect the world around us, beginning with ourselves.  I believe God reveals himself in many forms, personal to the individual who seeks. I see God as a collective consciousness, inhabiting everyone and everything.  I see God as all encompassing ‘good’ and ‘evil’.  He must be? I have been on a quest to find exactly what My Concept of God is.  Though I have not entirely figured it out yet, I know this is the piece I am lacking.  And what my heart is desperately searching for.

 

What is it to be Free?

sins forgiven , set apart

bondage broken, from before the start

chosen for light before the foundations of the world

created with gifts, constantly becoming unfurled

this is all great head knowledge

deep within my heart there’s much left to dredge

is there a difference between heart, and soul?

or are the connected? to repair only one hole?

is there a key to make concepts real?

one that unlocks suppressions seal?

there was a time once I lived with no remorse

lived through chaos, let nature take its course

I feel as though I had it more together then

before I bit the apple and dove right down it

I’m finished trying to figure this all out

not giving up faith, just admitting it’s something I know nothing about

In fact at this point I claim to know absolutely nothing

not whats happened, what I’m feeling, or whats coming

I think inevitably it’s better that way

free from expectations is where i will stay

free from delusions of how life’s supposed to be

from what it means to actually be free

Whether good or bad hold experience near, let it be guidance through lives paths and it’s fears.

Fear and darkness, blinded to whats ahead, allow yourself strength without the burden of dread.

True love is constant, always unconditional. Without judgment, true friends will reach out when you fall.

It’s up to you to open your heart, let go the unyielding pain you consume from when it was torn apart.

Ridiculous as it seems, life’s highs are the best. More powerful, less destructive than any drug you ingest.

Natural euphoria, bearing no regret. Hold on to nostalgia, incidents you could never forget.Don’t take for granted the positive things you are given. Life without happiness is a life without living.

More Bukowski

“Take a writer away from his typewriter and all you have left is the sickness that started him writing in the first place”

-Charles Bukowski

Rejections and Reflections

Often the pains of rejection run so deeply that they only surface once we revel on the question ‘what happened to my life?’ Upon hearing wise words from Dr. Charles Stanley something in me began to shift and become aware. Even in the presence of My Creator and Universal Father I have condemned my actions and self for the majority of my life. However to every feeling every action there is a source.

Rejection has become part of the human condition. A condition that goes undetected until we are confronted with the source. In my life it has manifested in this way: My earliest memories of my Father consist of two events 1. I was challenged on the monkey bars in kindergarten. Another child believed I could not walk across the top of them. They were right, I fell off. My mother was away at work while I was in my Fathers care at the time. Two days passed where I could not move my arm and screamed in pain at the touch of it, before my father called my mother to come home and deal with the situation. 2. I wanted to do something nice for my parents…Mop the kitchen floor. I proceeded to use dish soap to do so, resulting in a mass of soap suds encompassing the kitchen. This is one of my first memories of my father and the first time I remember being yelled at.

My parents divorced by the time I was 10. About a year after that my Grandmother died, who had been crucial in my life. My mother needed to tend to funeral arrangements.  I called my Father to come be with my brother and I through this time. He was unable. I do not mention these things in anger or any type of condemnation towards my Father, but only to bring to light a source of early deeply seated rejection in my life. A rejection which I believe whole hardheartedly he never meant to place within me.

Rejection holds an ugly face and often surfaces through the ones we Love and crave love from. My relationship with my father through my teen years was minimum at best.

Here’s the manifestation of this deep rooted pain that I chose not to acknowledge or deal with. By 14 I began drinking and using recreational drugs. At 17 I gave my purity to a man who also rejected me choosing cocaine over my affections. I went on to college with a full scholarship which I squandered, choosing to drink and participate in numerous relations with men, in which I felt some sense of ‘control’, clearly I was mistaken. I left my full scholarship a year and a half into college and moved to west palm where I began to bar-tend and use Oxycontin, feeding and numbing my own insecurities. My relations with men continued, with intermediate relationships in between. Within these relationships I pushed away three men in particular who showed me unconditional love. The bondage of rejection had become so deep at this point that I could not accept real love from anyone, especially men. I did not Love or accept who I was. There were two other men who I ‘Loved’ deeply…In both relationships I felt the same pains of rejection continually, but could not recognize them as that. These relationships seemed normal to me. I continued to use Oxycontin and other various substances for 8 years.

In my most recent relationship I was given a Beautiful Son. His father is not currently involved with our lives. I used to think my drug use was the source of my problem. In sobriety I now see it was a symptom. As I had not yet dealt with early, deep seated pains of rejection. I began to see these feeling re-surface, feeling as though my sons father had abandoned us for his own needs. As well as feeling the same pains with My father seemingly not wanting a relationship with his Grandson.

Again I say these things not placing blame, but becoming aware, and painting a picture of the results of not facing the truths within. The Truth is these people never meant to hurt me. My sexual and drug use was a result of me not finding my own self worth and instead placing it with the opinions of others. 

 
I am a Child of the creator
I am alive for a purpose
I am beautiful
I am caring
I have the ability to create
I have the capacity to Love and be Loved

And I don’t need another person to make these things manifest through me, the spirit within me will cause these things to manifest.

My story may be individual to me. But we are all suffering. My prayer is that these deep seated issues of the soul are brought to the surface so that we might move forward and have Life without Bondage of the past.

 
 
I’ve been kept silent in wreckage for far too long. With the chains of intimidation. Removing fear of rejection I break Free, Speak out, and Stand Tall.
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