Tag Archive: drug use

We are all Addicts

So Interesting. Addiction has become a human condition.  Drugs and alcohol are only included in the ‘addiction’.  All of these things are symptoms to the problem, which ultimately is a deeply rooted spiritual problem that manifests in us, just wanting to feel something different than we already do.  We want to change the Gaping hole of destroyed self- worth, condemnation, regret, and a genuine feeling of unhappiness ALL the time.  We try to find labels to make ourselves feel better, or more worthy members of society.  Jobs, relationships, sex, drugs (insert drug of choice here), religion, charity. .  pick your poison.  Bottom line is most of us spend a life time trying to Feel Better.  The ultimate rock bottom, as I see it, Is not over- dosing or ‘loosing it all’.  Rock bottom is when you realize that none of these things work.  None of these things take away the all consuming pain you feel every second of every day.  In fact all of these ‘symptoms’ only contribute to your unyielding burning in the for of guilt and resentment.  I have not yet UN-locked the secret to happiness.  I believe it starts with our thought process, and I’m told a Higher- Power must be present to fill this void we encounter.  For me, I’ve been learning that I am actually in control of my life, and that I am capable of perusing the things I am passionate about.  I still feel a struggle hourly, sometimes momentarily as I fear the next thing that may happen.  But I then have to remind myself that, in the epic storyline of events transpired in my life, everything has seemed to work out.  I do believe in God, a Higher- Power.  I can’t imagine him as a parent figure, My parents, I don’t believe are the best model for this, unless God’s ‘Love’ is conditional.  I suppose I follow a spirituality similar to Nhat Hanh,  I believe ‘being in the image of God’, we posses the power to effect the world around us, beginning with ourselves.  I believe God reveals himself in many forms, personal to the individual who seeks. I see God as a collective consciousness, inhabiting everyone and everything.  I see God as all encompassing ‘good’ and ‘evil’.  He must be? I have been on a quest to find exactly what My Concept of God is.  Though I have not entirely figured it out yet, I know this is the piece I am lacking.  And what my heart is desperately searching for.


Never Forget

Whether good or bad hold experience near, let it be guidance through lives paths and it’s fears.

Fear and darkness, blinded to whats ahead, allow yourself strength without the burden of dread.

True love is constant, always unconditional. Without judgment, true friends will reach out when you fall.

It’s up to you to open your heart, let go the unyielding pain you consume from when it was torn apart.

Ridiculous as it seems, life’s highs are the best. More powerful, less destructive than any drug you ingest.

Natural euphoria, bearing no regret. Hold on to nostalgia, incidents you could never forget.Don’t take for granted the positive things you are given. Life without happiness is a life without living.

More Bukowski

“Take a writer away from his typewriter and all you have left is the sickness that started him writing in the first place”

-Charles Bukowski

Rejections and Reflections

Often the pains of rejection run so deeply that they only surface once we revel on the question ‘what happened to my life?’ Upon hearing wise words from Dr. Charles Stanley something in me began to shift and become aware. Even in the presence of My Creator and Universal Father I have condemned my actions and self for the majority of my life. However to every feeling every action there is a source.

Rejection has become part of the human condition. A condition that goes undetected until we are confronted with the source. In my life it has manifested in this way: My earliest memories of my Father consist of two events 1. I was challenged on the monkey bars in kindergarten. Another child believed I could not walk across the top of them. They were right, I fell off. My mother was away at work while I was in my Fathers care at the time. Two days passed where I could not move my arm and screamed in pain at the touch of it, before my father called my mother to come home and deal with the situation. 2. I wanted to do something nice for my parents…Mop the kitchen floor. I proceeded to use dish soap to do so, resulting in a mass of soap suds encompassing the kitchen. This is one of my first memories of my father and the first time I remember being yelled at.

My parents divorced by the time I was 10. About a year after that my Grandmother died, who had been crucial in my life. My mother needed to tend to funeral arrangements.  I called my Father to come be with my brother and I through this time. He was unable. I do not mention these things in anger or any type of condemnation towards my Father, but only to bring to light a source of early deeply seated rejection in my life. A rejection which I believe whole hardheartedly he never meant to place within me.

Rejection holds an ugly face and often surfaces through the ones we Love and crave love from. My relationship with my father through my teen years was minimum at best.

Here’s the manifestation of this deep rooted pain that I chose not to acknowledge or deal with. By 14 I began drinking and using recreational drugs. At 17 I gave my purity to a man who also rejected me choosing cocaine over my affections. I went on to college with a full scholarship which I squandered, choosing to drink and participate in numerous relations with men, in which I felt some sense of ‘control’, clearly I was mistaken. I left my full scholarship a year and a half into college and moved to west palm where I began to bar-tend and use Oxycontin, feeding and numbing my own insecurities. My relations with men continued, with intermediate relationships in between. Within these relationships I pushed away three men in particular who showed me unconditional love. The bondage of rejection had become so deep at this point that I could not accept real love from anyone, especially men. I did not Love or accept who I was. There were two other men who I ‘Loved’ deeply…In both relationships I felt the same pains of rejection continually, but could not recognize them as that. These relationships seemed normal to me. I continued to use Oxycontin and other various substances for 8 years.

In my most recent relationship I was given a Beautiful Son. His father is not currently involved with our lives. I used to think my drug use was the source of my problem. In sobriety I now see it was a symptom. As I had not yet dealt with early, deep seated pains of rejection. I began to see these feeling re-surface, feeling as though my sons father had abandoned us for his own needs. As well as feeling the same pains with My father seemingly not wanting a relationship with his Grandson.

Again I say these things not placing blame, but becoming aware, and painting a picture of the results of not facing the truths within. The Truth is these people never meant to hurt me. My sexual and drug use was a result of me not finding my own self worth and instead placing it with the opinions of others. 

I am a Child of the creator
I am alive for a purpose
I am beautiful
I am caring
I have the ability to create
I have the capacity to Love and be Loved

And I don’t need another person to make these things manifest through me, the spirit within me will cause these things to manifest.

My story may be individual to me. But we are all suffering. My prayer is that these deep seated issues of the soul are brought to the surface so that we might move forward and have Life without Bondage of the past.

I’ve been kept silent in wreckage for far too long. With the chains of intimidation. Removing fear of rejection I break Free, Speak out, and Stand Tall.
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