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Full Wolf Moon January 2020

The clouds appear to move so quickly, that if I look up at them, even for a moment, I feel I could loose my balance. I know that I am safe during the stillness of the night, protected under the light of the moon…

Video taken @ 11:58 PM 1/9/20 in North Florida)

https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/01/9162057/full-moon-lunar-eclipse-cancer-january-2020-effects

A “feelings” disease.

Growing up I was easily distracted and effected by my emotions.  I felt like I had originally hailed from some other world or place where I had done something to deserve punishment.    I was sure my punishment was being sent here, to this life, totally consumed and enslaved by my thoughts and feelings. Human interactions that came natural to others seems a source of confusion and pure agony for me.

 I cared more about how other people viewed me than developing my own authentic self.  To say I was a people pleaser is an understatement.  I was terrified of disapproval and hoped everyone would like me and always say nice things about me.  I learned how to fit in to any type of social circle, sometimes even making up fictitious stories hoping that I would be well received by others.

 I was vain.  Although, it didn’t matter how attractive I actually was because my insecurities ran so deep that no human power of approval could console me. Because I was incapable of emotional intimacy I confused intimacy with sexuality.  I became promiscuous, which only heightened my feelings of anxiety and degradation.

 I was very intelligent but unable to form or follow through with any long-term goals.  I lacked self-esteem and perseverance.  I walked through the motions of life but believed everyone else was more deserving and was capable than me. 

Intuitively I always knew there was some life force at work greater than me.  I leaned towards the idea of a collective consciousness.  I experienced brief moments of synchronicity; moments where I experienced that notion that everything happens for a reason and that my life was a valuable and important part of the collective.   Those times were short lived, and I always regressed back into my insecurities.  I felt as though, that continuous and lasting connection with the life force of the universe was just out of my reach.  I couldn’t determine if this was because I was undeserving or because I didn’t know how to make the connection.  Either way I was left feeling rejected, inadequate, afraid and uninspired.

I started using drugs and alcohol when I was thirteen.  Truthfully though, I couldn’t wait to use my first drug.  I was desperate for something that would alleviate my constant anxiety and feelings of suffering. For a while, years even, the drugs and alcohol offered me some relief.  The enabled me to tune out my nagging fear, anxiety and social discomfort. Naïve to my already bazaar using habits, I believed I was using socially, the way my peers did.  I hadn’t realized yet that ultimately, I was trying to fill the God sized void.

I completed high school with honors. I left for collage with a full academic scholarship only to drop out within the first year, move to West Palm Beach Florida, and become a bartender.  By this time my drug use had progressed, and it was necessary to adjust my lifestyle so that using didn’t appear abnormal to those around me.  

I had no goals, no future, no purpose.  I was involved in multiple abusive relationships, physically, emotionally , financially, and sexually.  Not all of my relationships were terrible.  I never lasted long with the “nice guys” though. I always convinced myself I had become bored with them.  Really, I didn’t believe yet that I deserved to be treated kindly or with respect.  Those “nice guys” couldn’t complete with my lack of self-worth.  I didn’t want someone to fix me, I wanted someone who understood my suffering and could experience it with me.

Eventually I became pregnant.  I had never planned to have a child, However, something in me knew that this life had been granted by some life force greater than me, I may have even been calling that power God.  By this time, I was a daily narcotics user.  I lacked the capacity to honestly consider anyone’s needs other than my own.  I had no prior experience with babies or children, but I felt compelled to follow through with this pregnancy.  Fortunately my son was born without any drugs or alcohol in his system, but I was using again within two months of his birth.  

I had grown incapable of living life without the use of some type of drug or alcohol.  I didn’t differentiate between street drugs, alcohol or prescription drugs.  The drug itself didn’t matter so much as the emotional relief I was trying to give myself through their use.  I believed they enhanced my performance in life.   The birth of my son forced me to become painfully aware of the dangers of my drug dependence. I found that my fears alone did not provide me with the will to quit.  I could not stop using drugs or alcohol through any power of my own.

Since I had become aware of the consequences of my drug use, and realized that I could not stop using with ease, I grew determined to find a way to change my life.  I tried multiple times to just not use drugs or alcohol using my own power of will, only to return to using.  I tried not using specific drugs or to limit my using to certain days or times, and always, eventually lost control.  I tried studying different scientific, approaches and ideas, metaphysic, quantum physics, and many different spiritual practices. I investigated different religious ideas and even chose to get “saved” at one point.  I tried seeing a psychiatrist and dealing with my problems medically.  I moved to different houses with different people, changed jobs and changed boyfriends.  No matter what I tried tot maneuver, I could not stop using. I didn’t know how to live as a responsible adult or caregiver. I felt embarrassed, abandoned and totally defeated. I couldn’t imagine living with my guilt, and feelings of inadequacy without some type of substance to anesthetize my chronic emotional discomfort.

I hated that I couldn’t just stop and live the way I saw other people living.  It didn’t make any sense to me that while knowing the negative consequences of my drug use I couldn’t just change the way I was living, I couldn’t just stop.  From the depths of my defeat and self-hatred I hoped and prayed that God, whatever that meant, would just take my free will and force me to make good decisions for my life and for my son.  I believed that I had lost the ability to make any good or rational choices for myself.

At this point, I met a guy.  I was bartending, he was drinking at my bar and we struck up a conversation.  He told me that he was recovering from drug addiction and that he went to church.  That was all I needed to hear. In my desperation, I convinced myself he had the answers I was looking for, he could help me. In retrospect, I think I was just afraid to be alone. My relationship with him was the most tumultuous I had experienced yet.  We were using together within weeks of meeting, despite his claim to be recovering from drug addiction and my desire to change. We used, and fought, we broke up, and got back together cyclically.  We were completely toxic for each other. We were two sick people trying to blame each other for our own problems, while simultaneously hoping we would fix one other.

Like earlier in my drug use, I began to isolate from friends and family in an effort to conceal the effects of my drug use and the abuse in my relationship. Totally powerless, and feeling unable to protect my son, several people called the Department of Children and Families with requests to investigate how I was living and parenting my son.  I was unable to accept personal responsibility for my drug problem and behaviors. I sold DCF a story where I was the victim in an abusive relationship.  I complied with their requests, I scammed through drug tests and forced classes, and my case with DCF was quickly closed.  My son never left my custody and I resolved my issues with the department of Children and Families. 

 I was unable to understand the motives of my friends and family and I grew distrustful and paranoid.  When my business with DCF was done I chose to take my son and move out of state with my increasingly sexually, financially and emotionally abusive boyfriend.  I believed a fantasy that we would move out of state and start a new life where we would finally get clean. I told myself we would be good to one another, and raise my son in the kind of town where he would go to the school with the same kids throughout his entire school career.  Obviously, my fantasy was soon exposed.  Once we were out of state I found myself totally isolated, with no phone, no money, and no vehicle.  I had my then two-year-old son, a drug habit, a boyfriend who had now also become physically abusive to my son also, and no idea what to do next.  My grand plan at that point was to locate a women’s shelter locally where my son and I could go live and find the help we desperately needed.  

I had been given the gift of desperation.  I was willing to do anything to live my life differently.  I knew I needed help. The powers that be knew I was ready.  A family member of my boyfriend’s came to visit us.  While visiting, the boyfriend and I engaged in a volatile fight.  This was normal for us, but this time there was a witness and this time someone called the cops.  His family member offered for my son and I to leave with him and stay with him until I figured out our next step. It fell so obvious to me that this rescue had been orchestrated by some power greater than me. In my best efforts I had been unable to leave that relationship on my own.  After spending so much time feeling imprisoned by my insecurities, by drugs and by other sick people, I finally felt free. I had never experienced so much gratitude in my life.

That relationship was one of my more useful experiences. As dangerous as it was, it was the conduit that the universe used to change my course and save my life.  Not only had I finally become painfully aware of my mental, emotional and spiritual condition, but I also became aware that there was a practical solution to my problems.  When I met that boyfriend he may have lied about being in recovery at that moment, but he didn’t lie about having experience with a Twelve Step Program.  While we were together I tagged along with him to a few Twelve Step Meetings. I had experienced enough failure while using drugs to believe that these meetings might offer a solution to the way I was living my life. 

I began attending a Twelve Step Fellowship immediately.  I had left most of my belongings behind, changed my phone number and overhauled my Facebook page to delete people I used to use drugs with.   In this recovery program I learned that I wasn’t an inherently bad person, incapable of making responsible decisions.  I suffer from the disease of addiction. I found people who shared my feelings currently, as well as emotions I had experienced since childhood.  I connected with other people who had also used drugs as a solution for their pain; but now they simply experienced life as it happened unfiltered by chemicals.    Those whose energy was the most attractive to me had used this Twelve Step program to learn about their spiritual condition, and find a solution to their problem. They no longer caused intentional harm to themselves or others.  I learned that the result of this program is an awakening of the spirit that allows each person to live authentically and to be a benefit to others.  

I have since made the choice to take this path and found that it is as good as any to Spiritual Enlightenment.  I have not found a reason to use drugs since I chose to use The Twelve Steps as the solution to my emotional and spiritual problem on April 1st 2014.  I was able to stop using drugs and alcohol and change my life soon enough that my son will never remember what I was like while using. I successfully run a business where we offer transitional housing to men re-assimilating after prison.  I am working towards my PhD in Metaphysical Sciences.  I have become a wife.  I am a friend and Step mother.  My family and I live off-grid in the middle of hundreds of acres of forest. I raise goats, chickens, dogs, and cats.  I have begun to build a life that I feel really proud to live. In general, I am excited to experience each day.

I’m not suggesting that I don’t feel uncomfortable feelings anymore, I’m saying that I know they won’t last forever. I’m no longer enslaved to a nihilistic existence. There have been times where life felt really difficult while on this path; when it may have been easier to slip back into my old victim mentality, and I felt disconnected from God and not worth good results.  People I love have become chronically ill or even died.  I’ve lost pets and experienced financial setbacks.  I often encounter problems that I don’t know how to solve immediately.  I still face feelings I don’t understand or know how to process.  The difference now is that I have been shown a way to live through all of these things gracefully. 

While looking into my past experiences and finding out the truth about myself and what’s happened I have been developing a deeper relationship with a power greater than me.  At first my concept of this power was constructed entirely from the Twelve Step program I was attending.  I viewed the Twelve Steps themselves as a power greater than me. I knew The Twelve Steps would help me sort out my experiences and guide me to some type of purpose; and they’ve done that and so much more. Now, through my own experiences I’ve grown to believe that the universe has a way of working all things together and that every experience matters. There are always opportunities to grow and learn.

If you would have told me ten years ago that this would be my life today I never would have believed it.  I have grown to know and respect myself.  I develop a deeper and more complex relationship with the life force of the universe.  As each day passes my passion for life continues to expand and become richer. One of the most valuable things that’s been happening to me along this path is that I’ve been discovering my authentic self.  I’m talking about the parts of me that were introduced into my life when I was a child and have been slumbering since my ego and then my disease became a driving force in my mind; my interests and passions.  Things that seem trivial, like the way I like to dress or decorate my home and music I like to listen to, my parenting style, personal boundaries with friends and families and my sexuality. I’ve become more aware of the world around me and the people in it.  I am mindful of my effect on those I come into contact with.  I used to be so consumed with my own experience and discomfort that there was no space left in my thoughts for anyone else.  I’ve become awake to the truth that, we are all doing the best we can at any given moment.  It’s only been through evaluating my own thoughts, feelings and reactions that I have learned to have empathy and come to this realization.

Although my story tells a lot about the negative consequences of drug use, the drugs were never really the problem.  My spiritual condition was the source of my anguish, I just chose to use drugs as a solution to my pain and discomfort.  I believe the same tools I was given to survive my diseased thinking will work for anyone willing to learn to use them. Anyone could use The Twelve Steps as a path to discover their authentic self and live a purposeful life.  The same path I’ve followed can be taken by anyone who is willing to put in the effort.    Those who take The Twelve Step journey should have an honest desire to live differently, the willingness to be thorough, and decide to follow through all Twelve Steps.  When we put in the effort here and now, the higher realm takes care of the rest. 

Spirisophical means a philosophical look a spirituality.

The intention of spirisophical.org is to create a type of publication encompassing many different spiritual ideas, from all different types of writers. We don’t expect our writers to be experienced in the craft of writing. We don’t even expect that everything shared here be pious or overtly spiritual. We require that the stories shared be authentic and intended for the greater good.

It’s been our experience that truth comes in any form the listener is willing to hear and understand. We are seekers of wisdom and deeper spiritual understanding. We do not subscribe to any particular faith. We’ve found spiritual connection through the study of many different faiths, sciences, art, history, psychology, philosophy and so on.

We don’t subscribe to the idea that in order for something to be spiritual it should feel, sounds or look “good”. Quite opposite actually, we accept and appreciate the duality of all experiences. We know that sometimes our darkest most uncomfortable experiences lead us to deeper understanding and personal freedom. We encourage self exploration and acceptance. Our goal is to cultivate a platform for open minded, authentic sharing.

Our most intimate connection to what is divine is through the exploration and acceptance of our authentic selves and the natural world.

If you would like to submit a piece of writing to be considered for publishing on spirisophical.org please email it to:

noellsmith@spirisophical.org

Please include a title, your name, and any other crediting information you would like us to include!

Many Blessings

 

I knew in those moments I was experiencing something divine.  I knew the eternal parts of me and the here and now parts of me had streamlined, that I had entered a multi dimensional  experience.  In the midst of chaos, I felt connected to infinity and I knew my purpose had not been lost.

Prior to those moments I had become so enmeshed in a lower nature that I lost all spiritual connection.  It’s possible I never really had one.  I always had ideas about something greater than me, a consciousness or community of energy,  the existence of all, total unity, the place where all life energy returns to after death… The depths of me knew such a thing existed and couldn’t stand that I felt to separate from it.  I had ideas about the importance of a total experience, that there is a purpose for everything and duality was necessary.  I was also terrified to experience pain.  So I tried to control my own experience and anesthetize the pain and confusion.  I was unable to control any thing for any substantial amount of time.  In this lower nature, my inability was certain.  I had no idea how to cope.  I wanted to die, to return to that place where unity, community and consciousness were natural.

Then I woke up into this daze of Daja Vu.  Maybe my absolute defeat enabled this exchange.

Nothing was the same after those moments. The universe had conspired to guide me towards a new path. On a practical level my life had become so uncomfortable that drastic change didn’t seem scary. That Deja Vu was the jolt to recharge my spirit providing the strength needed to ascend from that lower nature.

The road to follow has not been easy but I haven’t had to descend yet.

 

Lessons from Labyrinth

Now, Sarah from The Labyrinth, Is one to learn from. ‘You Have No Power Over Me’… Lessons From Labyrinth…

1. When you act and speak in self-contentedness and immaturity, blaming the world for your problems, the Goblin King Will actually create problems for you.
2. Nothing is as it seems.
3. A friend is someone who you show unconditional love to. Love is gained by giving Love, not expecting.
4. The only way out is Through.
5. The walls of the Labyrinth may only be broken down when you realize that you, yourself hold the power.
6. Your true friends will help you to discover your own truths.
7. A man, even a kind is only able to control you so long as you give him power.
8. There will always be choices, just keep moving forward.
9. Passion and determination supersede direction.
10. Everything that you are is also creating who you will become. Awake, Strengthened, experienced.

Of course, non of this could have foreshadowed Jennifer Connoley’s poor life choices to come in Requiem for a Dream…

Perspectives with a 3 y/o

The ‘Joys’ of parenting and the gifts of Perspective….This week:

1. I learned that Cigarette ashes remover PERMANENT marker from a flat screen. And Rubbing Alcohol removes PERMANENT marker from everything else.

2. My three year old is more inclined to do anything I ask If I can manage to sound excited about it.. “Tristan if you take a nap now, Spider-man could Visit In your Dreams”

3. The best way to teach my child is to allow him to explore and test the waters himself. I provide safety and guidance.

4. Frogs may be invisible.

5. Watching Casper with my son is an effective method in reducing any new Ghost fears.

6. Go outside!! Explore, look for pictures in clouds, hug trees, walk barefoot.

7. Most importantly I learned that the key to my sanity is in surrendering my self willed desires and giving in to the spontaneity found within my 3 year old….

I identify with a higher power of synchronicity, which places me in unity with you and you …. and you. I Identify with a higher power of progression, which has the ability to move any circumstance forward regardless of my choice to struggle through the process or to not. I identify with a higher power of balance, which is not definitive within labels or extremes. I identify with a higher power of creation, which has the ability to create paths where I see stone walls. I identify with a higher power who is as persistently in love with my well being as with yours. I identify with a higher power of transformation, which is sponsoring constant growth and change.I identify with a higher power of infinite exponential capacity to expand my spiritual views enabling me to cope within this world. Most importantly I identify with a higher power, beyond my singular consciousness, which places power of choice, recovery and freedom within me.

I think things are about perspective…I had the thought today, that it is necessary for us to experience difficulties or hardships in life… if life is about moving on to the next thing and helping others do the same then each experience becomes just that. An experience that will enable us to do the next one. And help us to be compassionate towards another person feeling similarly.. I’ve experienced a lot of emotional trials… and I’ve had a hard time excepting things as they are happening… I just want them to change, so I feel better but i’m starting to appreciate the growth that actually happens from these things. And practice patience…
5/13/14

Loving The Little Mermaid clearly set me up for Unhealthy expectations and practices in the world. Watching it now with Tristan, I realize these are the lessons I learned and acted upon after idolizing Ariel.

1. It is the best idea to not only defy your father, but give your whole family a big fuck you, in search of ‘stuff’
2. ‘Stuff’ makes you feel better and gives you hope of a better life.
3. Apart of your world- Everything would be better if I just lived in a completely different world.
4. Fuck finns, I want legs so I can walk, stroll and ask how fire burns.
5. Sharks?! Ariel don’t care, neither do I.
6. When you ‘Love’ someone, the way to get their love reciprocated is to abandon your heritage and home to become like them.
7. Also in this quest to win a lovers ‘Love’ Give up whatever it takes to simply be in their presence.
8. A kiss means someone loves you.
9. If a man finds you half dressed on the shore, unable to speak, he will take you back to his yacht.
10. Even after all this, dad will forgive and turn anyone who has hurt or mislead you into deathly, stagnant, ocean sperm.

Ariel, you are a misguided, weak, spoiled girl… Drunk on a picture of Love resulting in codependency. I feel my faith in you was miss placed as a naive girl. Because you were one of the lucky ones….

Universal soul

I spent some time with god today while laying in the sand.  I closed my eyes and drifted off.  He took me by the hand.  He took me to a place high above the clouds. Where humanity is unified, a single vibration of sound.  Not within our actions or self proclaimed perceptions. But unified by spirit forming God’s diverse dictions.  He showed me all our passions met with struggles fears and haste.  He told me this was a result of a deficiency in faith.  As a species we have forgotten where it is we hail from.  Instead of trusting synchronicity, individually we run.  We must keep remember that we are pieces of a whole. We comprise the source of creation, the universal soul.

Deja Vu

I seem to be having a continuous stream of Deja Vu. It started in spurts when I got to Pennsylvania. Today I feel like I’m awake in a dream. It’s not that everything is spectacular yet, as My thought process is not enabling that. Perhaps I have become Awake to life. I Can’t help but wonder if Deja Vu is a reflection of something God has seen play out. Some type of reminder to my physical self of what my spirit has known…

Love is Never a Dependency

“One of the most important of life´s lessons is to learn independence, to understand freedom. This means independence from attachments, from results, from opinions, and from expectations. Breaking attachments leads to freedom, but breaking attachments does not mean abandoning a loving and meaningful relationship, a relationship that nourishes your soul. It means ending dependency on any person or thing. Love is never a dependency.”

 

― Brian L. Weiss, Messages from the Masters: Tapping Into the Power of Love (also the author of Many lives, many masters.)

The Two Will Become One.

i

Light, Dark
Yin, Yang
Good, Evil
Right, Wrong
Masculine, Feminine
… Alpha, Omega

As a species we have defined our word through extremes. Through these definitive words we are not only limiting our own potential, but limiting the all encompassing balance and supremacy the universe, or what I call God, is offering. The Two Will Become One. we have reached a pivotal shift, which we must allow our hearts to give way to, without the mind impeading. It is within our heart that we understand unities place. The Two Will Become One. I is time to break through these barriers of thoughts and words to allow free flow of spirit, and in turn external connection. This is often unknowingly what we long for, Connection, spiritual connection, which will also manifest physically. loose yourself. Silence your mind. Begin to hear the whispers of your heart. Allow your soul to lead. Break the barriers. Forget the extremes.

A little bit of Personal

A little bit of Personal.

We are all Addicts.

Donate.

Gifts.

Regeneration.

“I have lots of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so don’t worry. It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
~ Jack Kerouac

 

Borrowed From Aries Rising @

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Aries-Rising/350094938372246

Thank You ❤

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Trying to decipher between Labels,

Am I….

Controlled,

Addict,

Mother,

Girlfriend,

Hard-worker,

People Pleaser…?

Sick,

Traumatized,

Beautiful,

‘A Gem’,

Nerd,

A Friend,

Selfish,

Abused,

Nurturing,

Christian,

Faithless,

Heathen,

Condemned….

 

I THINK, what I have been is Influenced.  Allowing Labels to define what is most precious, ME.   As a result of these labels and past experiences toiling through my head I have believed a fictitious story about myself.  Meanwhile, feeling as though I am trying to claw my way out from the inside.  Utterly discontent and uncomfortable Everyday.  Momentary lapses of clarity have begun to give way.  Fleeting spaces in time where I feel necessary, meaningful and complete.  In these moments I have let go of stigmas placed by me and others.   Allowing the constructs of my mind to merge with soul,  moving away from the world and it’s words into my home and my heart.  Where in I am Outside of Labels.  Within I am not what I have done, I am who I am.  I am not a story to be written nor a Label to be spoken.

 

“We are the center .”

Written By a friend Who I am humbled to know. For over ten years now I have continually watched the evolution of soul and mind within Dajon His selfless good-will and intellect continues to manifest through words. Let them be today’s Devotional. Put down your religious texts, The Truth is Within our Hearts and Minds. Dajon is just one who Clearly illustrates this.

You can view more of his ‘rants’ On face book.

https://www.facebook.com/dajon.fanelli

“We are the center .

In each of our minds – some may call it arrogance , or selfishness – we are the center , and all the world moves about us , and for us , and because of us . This is the paradox of community , the one and the whole m the desires of one often run in direct conflict with the needs of the whole . Who among us has not wondered if all the world is no more than a personal dream ?

I do not believe that such thoughts are arrogant or selfish . It is simply a matter of perception ; we can empathize with someone else , but we cannot truly see the world as another person sees it , or judge events as they affect the mind and the heart of another , even a friend .

But , we must try . For the sake of all the world , we must try . This is the test of altruism , the most basic and undeniable ingredient for society . Therein lies the paradox , for ultimately , logically , we each must care more about ourselves than about others , and yet , if , as rational beings we follow that logical course , we place our needs and desires above the needs of our society , and then there is no community .

I come from The Nether , city of shadows , city of self . I have seen that way of selfishness . I have seen it fail miserably . When self-indulgence rules , then all the community loses , and in the end , those striving for personal gains are left with nothing of any real value .

Because everything of value that we will know in this life comes from our relationships with those around us . Because there is nothing material that measures against the intangibles of love and friendship .

Thus , we must overcome that selfishness and we must try; must care .

I would rather have my physical heart torn from my chest , than have my heart of hearts , the essence of love , the empathy and the need to belong to something bigger than my corporeal form , destroyed .

They are a curious thing , these emotions . How they fly in the face of logic , how they overrule the most basic of instincts . Because , in the measure of time , in the measure of humanity , we sense those self-indulgent instincts to be a weakness , we sense that the needs of the community must outweigh the desires of the one . Only when we admit to our failures and recognize our weaknesses can we rise above them .

Together .”

The Phoenix Rises …D

 

Is it too much?

Is it too much?
To ask…

To be surrounded by people who do not want anything from you?
For genuine relationships built from common interests? People who present themselves honestly And keep commitments, without expectation?

To work not live, Not Vice Versa. To make an income that isn’t %70 solely for housing?

For rational thoughts, not clouded with worry, what if’s or ‘what will I do’s?’

To maintain and provide from passions, rather than necessities.

To walk a path, instead of running up and down hill. I’m out of breath.

To sped one ENTIRE day feeling genuinely content, and comfortable.

Perhaps… My biggest issue is that I am ‘asking’ for these things instead of making them happen for myself. Or honestly believing that they could…

From a Single Mother

I gave my Life to You,
Gave a son to you,
Will never understand,
Why it’s this You Put me Through.

Four years Built from addiction,
Entertaining Individual Affliction,
When He Came into the world,
I had to be the One to remove him from our Horrid Decisions.

I made the changes, I became a Mother,
But it is you who claims to suffer,
While you continue the same path of insanity,
In your presence I crumble, without you We Prosper.

Spare me your rants about what’s been done to you,
Hold on to your words of what I’ve Put you Through,
I’ve done what any Instinctual person would,
When they put ego aside, Let self- will Undo.

This must happen as a Child Enters the World,
My life has become, watching His Unfurl,
I will not feel Guilt for protecting Him,
While you tear me down with each Lie you’ve hurled.

Through each lesson, I continually let you In,
In the hopes that your serious, That it’s Tristan who will Win,
You came into our house, disrespected, betrayed us again,
Showed us once more the stronghold of Your Sin.

Yet again I hold the Guilt,
As you transfer your own Shame,
Thank God he’s still to young,
To understand your Cold Heart’s Game.

Tristan and I will Prosper
Whether or not you chose to Join.
We’ve been blessed with strength and Survival.
For you, we won’t Morn.

I will Continue to Pray,
For you and your best.
If I were to ever see you,
It would be a spiritual test.

One I have clearly not conquered yet,
As my heart still hopes,
for my Son, The best.

Shut out The Noise

Do you Ever just shut of all the noise and Listen?  It is 2 am.  I am Alone.  Even my Son is absent from my home, Spending time with his Grandparents.  It is rare for me to find myself in a setting where I do not have ultimately, Chaos around me . I’m Consistently either surrounded by the 5 people to the 100’s of people I come into contact with at work daily.  Or at the very least, My Curiously, Impish 2 year old parades about. Even at home it is rare for me to find myself with No company.  While alone I am usually playing music at the very least.  At this moment I am Beautifully and comfortable alone.  My windows are open, allowing the Perfectly Chilled, Polar air to brisk through my home.  I am engulfed within such solitude it’s as though my hearing has improved.  My ears have given way to Every Crackling blade of glass, in the absence of distraction.  I recognize so many individual Sounds, Vibrations, singularly.  I am awe struck.  In this lack of distraction, Sounds of has became my keenest sense. Trains Horning, a genuine hum that makes you assume machines are running, Wheels on pavement, Chirps of Toads and Crickets, Mysterious Crepitant bustles heard from the leaves and pavement…  I Can’t wait to explore what My Mind hears when I am able to Shut out  even this noise, having recognized the sensitivity of sound.  Have you ever just shut out the Noise and Distractions?

“I miss the stars”

“migraine induced thoughts on the way home from the 2nd trip to the store:
we humans sure love having as many lights on as possible. Porch lights, street lights, headlights that are a bit excessive, the glow of the tv, the computer…
i wonder if we don’t realize the value of light because we never experience darkness….
the other night, the moon was out and bright and awesome, and all i wanted to do was turn off the whole city, so we could all see what our ancestors saw. i miss the stars, i really do.
i honestly think we would all be better humans if we regularly could look up and understand how small we are. if we could still be amazed at what’s out there, what’s down here. the whole thing.
drama and arguments and politics and commercials all seem very silly and pointless when you realize you’re on this little speck floating in space. this tiny thing near this hot thing. and it’s just covered in life everywhere you look.
i miss the stars.”
Written by,  Eric Heran

‘I pray the world never runs out of dragons . For the dragon is the quintessential paradox , simultaneously embodying our ultimate ally and our greatest of foes . They represent the unconquerable epitome of destruction and the primordial catalyst of creation , producing images of dark grandeur and prismatic possibilities .

They are the manifestations of the brightest and most shrouded parts of our imaginations .

We make the dragons , because somewhere deep in our hearts , we recognize that a world without them is not worth living in .

There are so many people in the land that want an answer , a definite answer , for everything in life , and even for everything after life . They study and they test , and because those few find the answers for some simple questions , they assume that there are answers to be had for every question . What was the world like before there were people ? Was there nothing but darkness before the sun and the stars ? Was there anything at all ? What we we , each of us , before we were born ? And what , most importantly , shall we be after we die ?

Out of compassion , I hope that those inquisitors never find that which they seek .

For what are we left with if there is no mystery ? What hope might we find if we know all the answers ?

What is it within us , then , that so desperately wants to deny magic and unravel mystery ? Fear , I presume , based on the many uncertainties of life and the greatest uncertainty of death . Put those fears aside and live free , I say , and live free of them , for if we just step aside and watch the truth of the world , we will find that there is indeed magic all about us , unexplainable by numbers and formulas .

What is the passion evoked by the stirring speech of the commander before the desperate battle , if not magic ?

What is the peace that an infant might know in it’s mother’s arms , if not magic ?

What is love , if not magic ?

No , I would not want to live in a world without dragons , as I would not want to live in a world without magic , for that is a world without mystery , and that is a world without faith .

And that , for any reasoning , conscious being , would be the cruelest trick of all …’

 

-Dajon Fanelli

What were Adam and Eve like before they ate the apple?  The bible tells us of Eden, where they lived, and what they did, what they saw on a daily basis.  My curiosity ponders,  how did they act, on a personal level?  How did they feel?  Or did they have any comprehension of feelings?  Were they so engulfed, harmonized with God that variation of Feelings and Emotions were obsolete?  What is it about these traits that changed after knowledge of Good and Evil was acquired?  Furthermore, what knowledge was actually gained from eating of the tree of knowledge?  I would love to hear your thoughts on these things.  In non- religious diction.  How did this knowledge change humanity so much?  And what is the comparison from before the apple and after? Apart from the common answer of ‘Man was introduced to Sin.’  Well then, what is SIN? How is it that knowledge gained, gave birth to the label ‘Sin’?

 

Did we gain knowledge of duality? Balance of ‘good’ and ‘evil’.  Clearly we are not entirely from either spectrum, but created within both.  They both form one, as yin and yang.  We are one within this balance.

 

Is it because it had always been in our nature to label and name things, that we, by our vary nature continued to do the same.  Only now, with the ‘knowledge’ that the other side of the spectrum existed we became aware of separateness?  Not seeing the unity within duality.  An all encompassing God.

 

These are thoughts I’ve had.  I am passionately curious as to others thoughts on this topic.  No judgments, just passionate curiosity.

Bevis McGuire

“To those that suffer I hear your cries. Whether it’s doubt, fear, sadness, or anger I promise you a time of clarity and balance. As I began to unravel my true self and ceased to resist the flow, my life was soon followed by an abundance of… beauty and understanding that has inspired me to achieve beyond my wildest dreams. So challenge your thoughts to be positive and true, challenge your love to be vast and unconditional, challenge yourself because you deserve more then a nice house and a good job…you, me, and the world deserve to be set free. Set free from outdated traditions, expectations, stereotypes, resentments, all the things this failing world insist you do only to get you further away from understanding your limitless value. There is a part of you that is a part of it all and as you learn to love and trust that piece you will awaken and gratitude itself will open new doors for you.” ~ Bevis McGuire @ http://bevismcguire.tumblr.com/

 

Through His Eyes

Through His Eyes,

Emotion is language.

Through His Eyes,

There is no distinction between Heaven and Earth.

Through His Eyes,

The world is Eden.

Through His Eyes,

Every sound is a melody.

Through His Eyes,

Everything is a friend.

Through His Eyes,

Each waking moment is as a dream.

Through His Eyes,

Whispering trees surrender secrets.

Through His Eyes,

Every cloud paints a portrait.

Through His Eyes,

Colors stream as hallucinogens,

Through His Eyes,

Every animal speaks his language.

Through His Eyes,

The sun speaks Good Morning and the Moon Whimpers Good Night.

He has not yet forgotten.

He has not yet been blinded.

His eyes are The Eyes of God.

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